HILARIOUS GOD and Jonah

 

Jonah 1:1-2

King James Version

1 Now the word of the Lord came unto Jonah 

the son of Amittai, saying,

2 Arise, 

go to Nineveh, 

that great city, 

and cry against it; 

for their wickedness is come up before me.

You think GOD can't be funny?

He invented funny.

Watch how He deals with reluctant, petulant prophet Jonah.

Called by GOD to warn Nineveh, Jonah takes the ship to Tarshish instead.

What do you think GOD does?

Jonah 1:4-5

King James Version

4 But the Lord sent out a great wind into the sea, 

and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, 

so that the ship was like to be broken.

5 Then the mariners were afraid, 

and cried every man unto his god, 

and cast forth the wares that were in the ship 

into the sea, 

to lighten it of them. 

But Jonah was gone down into the sides of the ship; 

and he lay, 

and was fast asleep.

Rousing the sleeping prophet, the mariners demand he pray for them, since he's supposed to be bff with GOD.

Not knowing who was responsible for their misfortune, the mariners cast lots.

Of course, the culprit was Jonah.

They asked what he had done to displease the LORD so.

Jonah 1:9

King James Version

9 And he said unto them, 

I am an Hebrew; 

and I fear the Lord, 

the God of heaven, 

which hath made the sea and the dry land.

There was only one recourse, and result.

Prophet had to make good his mission for the LORD.

Jonah 1:15

King James Version

15 So they took up Jonah, 

and cast him forth into the sea: 

and the sea ceased from her raging.

There must have been lots of conversions that day.

In great relief, the mariners offered a sacrifice.

Jonah 1:16

King James Version

16 Then the men feared the Lord exceedingly, 

and offered a sacrifice unto the Lord, 

and made vows.

Of course, GOD had another plan for His prophet who had gone off course.

Jonah 1:17

King James Version

17 Now the Lord had prepared a great fish 

to swallow up Jonah. 

And Jonah was in the belly of the fish 

three days and three nights.

And that's when Jonah started praying, and repenting, from the fish's belly.

Jonah 2:9

King James Version

9 But I will sacrifice unto thee 

with the voice of thanksgiving; 

I will pay that that I have vowed. 

Salvation is of the Lord.

Cue for the fish to throw up.

Jonah 2:10

King James Version

10 And the Lord spake unto the fish, 

and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.

Reminded of his mission for the LORD, the humbled prophet follows GOD's original plan.

Jonah 3:4

King James Version

4 And Jonah began to enter into the city 

a day's journey, 

and he cried, and said, 

Yet forty days, 

and Nineveh shall be overthrown.

Surprisingly, Nineveh does what Jonah thought wasn't possible.

Jonah 3:5

King James Version

5 So the people of Nineveh believed God, 

and proclaimed a fast, 

and put on sackcloth, 

from the greatest of them 

even to the least of them.

The people of Nineveh and their king prayed, fasted, covered every man and beast with sackloth, and turned from their evil ways.

GOD responds in kind:

Jonah 3:10

King James Version

10 And God saw their works, 

that they turned from their evil way; 

and God repented of the evil, 

that he had said that he would do unto them; 

and he did it not.

That ought to have pleased our temperamental prophet.

Hardly.

Jonah 4:1

King James Version

4 But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, 

and he was very angry.

Humoring him, GOD asks why he's so angry.

As response, our petulant prophet went his way.

Jonah 4:5

King James Version

5 So Jonah went out of the city, 

and sat on the east side of the city, 

and there made him a booth, 

and sat under it in the shadow, 

till he might see what would become of the city.

To appease fuming prophet, GOD comforts him.

Jonah 4:6

King James Version

6 And the Lord God prepared a gourd, 

and made it to come up over Jonah, 

that it might be a shadow over his head, 

to deliver him from his grief. 

So Jonah was exceeding glad of the gourd.

Now, you can't be angry with GOD for long.

He sees to that.

Jonah 4:7-8

King James Version

7 But God prepared a worm 

when the morning rose the next day, 

and it smote the gourd that it withered.

8 And it came to pass, 

when the sun did arise, 

that God prepared a vehement east wind; 

and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, 

that he fainted, 

and wished in himself to die, 

and said, 

It is better for me to die than to live.

Now, I can imagine melodramatic Jonah folding his arms, keeping to his hurt pride, as GOD converses with him.

Jonah 4:9

King James Version

9 And God said to Jonah, 

Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? 

And he said, 

I do well to be angry, 

even unto death.

Still, GOD has the last word.

The BIBLE is His WORD, after all.

Jonah 4:10-11

King James Version

10 Then said the Lord, 

Thou hast had pity on the gourd, 

for the which thou hast not laboured, 

neither madest it grow; 

which came up in a night, 

and perished in a night:

11 And should not I spare Nineveh, 

that great city, 

wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons 

that cannot discern between 

their right hand and their left hand; 

and also much cattle?

More funny prophets here.

Image: Free Bible Images

On SLICK prophets

 

2 Peter 2:3

King James Version

3 And through covetousness 

shall they with feigned words 

make merchandise of you: 

whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, 

and their damnation slumbereth not.

Beware FALSE prophets.

The slick, and sly ones.

They will promise you the world, and not the WORD.

It's time to wake up, and know what the Scripture says.

To know more, let's turn to other Bible versions to explain the meaning of "through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you".

This will be eye-opening.

2 Peter 2:3

Amplified Bible

3 And in their greed they will exploit you with false arguments and twisted doctrine. Their sentence [of condemnation which God has decreed] from a time long ago is not idle [but is still in force], and their destruction and deepening misery is not asleep [but is on its way].

2 Peter 2:3

Amplified Bible, Classic Edition

3 And in their covetousness (lust, greed) they will exploit you with false (cunning) arguments. From of old the sentence [of condemnation] for them has not been idle; their destruction (eternal misery) has not been asleep.

2 Peter 2:3

Christian Standard Bible

3 They will exploit you in their greed with made-up stories. Their condemnation, pronounced long ago, is not idle, and their destruction does not sleep.

2 Peter 2:3

Common English Bible

3 In their greed they will take advantage of you with lies. The judgment pronounced against them long ago hasn’t fallen idle, nor is their destruction sleeping.

2 Peter 2:3

Complete Jewish Bible

3 In their greed they will exploit you with fabricated stories.

Their punishment, decreed long ago, is not idle; their destruction is not asleep!

2 Peter 2:3

Contemporary English Version

3 They will be greedy and cheat you with smooth talk. But long ago God decided to punish them, and God doesn't sleep.

2 Peter 2:3

Darby Translation

3 And through covetousness, with well-turned words, will they make merchandise of you: for whom judgment of old is not idle, and their destruction slumbers not.

2 Peter 2:3

Disciples’ Literal New Testament

3 And in greed they will exploit[a] you with fabricated words, for whom the judgment from-long-ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep.

2 Peter 2:3

Easy-to-Read Version

3 These false teachers only want your money. So they will use you by telling you things that are not true. But the judgment against these false teachers has been ready for a long time. And they will not escape God who will destroy them.

2 Peter 2:3

English Standard Version

3 And in their greed they will exploit you with false words. Their condemnation from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep.

2 Peter 2:3

Expanded Bible

3 ·Those false teachers only want your money, so [L In their greed] they will ·use [exploit] you ·by telling you lies [with deceptive/false words]. Their judgment spoken against them long ago is ·still coming [not idle], and their ruin ·is certain [does not sleep].

2 Peter 2:3

GOD’S WORD Translation

3 In their greed they will use good-sounding arguments to exploit you. The verdict against them from long ago is still in force, and their destruction is not asleep.

2 Peter 2:3

Good News Translation

3 In their greed these false teachers will make a profit out of telling you made-up stories. For a long time now their Judge has been ready, and their Destroyer has been wide awake!

2 Peter 2:3

Holman Christian Standard Bible

3 They will exploit you in their greed with deceptive words. Their condemnation, pronounced long ago, is not idle, and their destruction does not sleep.

2 Peter 2:3

International Children’s Bible

3 Those false teachers only want your money. So they will use you by telling you what is not true. But God has already judged them guilty. And they will not escape the One who will destroy them.

2 Peter 2:3

International Standard Version

3 In their greed they will exploit you with deceptive words. The ancient verdict against them is still in force, and their destruction is not delayed.[a]

2 Peter 2:3

J.B. Phillips New Testament

They will be men who will subtly introduce dangerous heresies. They will thereby deny the Lord who redeemed them, and it will not be long before they bring on themselves their own downfall. Many will follow their pernicious teaching and thereby bring discredit on the way of truth. In their lust to make converts these men will try to exploit you too with their bogus arguments.

2 Peter 2:3

Living Bible

3 These teachers in their greed will tell you anything to get hold of your money. But God condemned them long ago and their destruction is on the way.

2 Peter 2:3

The Message

Lying Religious Leaders

2-3 They give the way of truth a bad name. They’re only out for themselves. They’ll say anything, anything, that sounds good to exploit you. They won’t, of course, get by with it. They’ll come to a bad end, for God has never just stood by and let that kind of thing go on.

2 Peter 2:3

Names of God Bible

3 In their greed they will use good-sounding arguments to exploit you. The verdict against them from long ago is still in force, and their destruction is not asleep.

2 Peter 2:3

New American Bible (Revised Edition)

3 In their greed they will exploit you with fabrications, but from of old their condemnation has not been idle and their destruction does not sleep.

2 Peter 2:3

New American Standard Bible

3 and in their greed they will exploit you with false words; their judgment from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep.

2 Peter 2:3

New Catholic Bible

3 In their greed they will exploit you with concocted stories.

The Condemnation of False Teachers. However, their condemnation has been hanging over them for a long time, and the destruction awaiting them does not slumber.

2 Peter 2:3

New Century Version

3 Those false teachers only want your money, so they will use you by telling you lies. Their judgment spoken against them long ago is still coming, and their ruin is certain.

2 Peter 2:3

New International Reader's Version

3 These teachers are never satisfied. They want to get something out of you. So they make up stories to take advantage of you. They have been under a sentence of death for a long time. The God who will destroy them has not been sleeping.

2 Peter 2:3

New International Version

3 In their greed these teachers will exploit you with fabricated stories. Their condemnation has long been hanging over them, and their destruction has not been sleeping.

2 Peter 2:3

New Life Version

3 They will tell lies and false stories so they can use you to get things for themselves. But God judged them long ago and their death is on the way.

2 Peter 2:3

New Living Translation

3 In their greed they will make up clever lies to get hold of your money. But God condemned them long ago, and their destruction will not be delayed.

2 Peter 2:3

New Testament for Everyone

3 and in their greed they will exploit you with fake prophecies. Their condemnation has not been idle for a long time now, and their destruction has not fallen asleep.

Kefa II 2:3

Orthodox Jewish Bible

3 And in their chomed (covetous) greed, they will exploit you with deceptive words. For them the Mishpat (Judgment) of old is not drei (idle) and their churban (ruin) does not slumber.

2 Peter 2:3

Revised Geneva Translation

3 And through covetousness they shall, with crafty words, make merchandise of you. Their ancient condemnation is not lingering. And their destruction does not slumber.

2 Peter 2:3

The Voice

3 These false teachers will follow their greed and exploit you with their fabrications, but be assured that their judgment was pronounced long ago and their destruction does not sleep.

2 Peter 2:3

Worldwide English (New Testament)

3 Because they are greedy for money, they will trick you with lies. For a long time God has planned to punish them. They will be punished at the right time.

In SUMMARY, "through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you", means:

in their greed they will exploit you with false arguments and twisted doctrine

in their covetousness (lust, greed) they will exploit you with false (cunning) arguments

They will exploit you in their greed with made-up stories.

In their greed they will take advantage of you with lies.

In their greed they will exploit you with fabricated stories.

They will be greedy and cheat you with smooth talk.

through covetousness, with well-turned words, will they make merchandise of you

in greed they will exploit[a] you with fabricated words

These false teachers only want your money. So they will use you by telling you things that are not true.

in their greed they will exploit you with false words

Those false teachers only want your money, so [L In their greed] they will ·use [exploit] you ·by telling you lies [with deceptive/false words].

In their greed they will use good-sounding arguments to exploit you.

In their greed these false teachers will make a profit out of telling you made-up stories.

They will exploit you in their greed with deceptive words.

Those false teachers only want your money. So they will use you by telling you what is not true.

In their greed they will exploit you with deceptive words.

They will be men who will subtly introduce dangerous heresies...In their lust to make converts these men will try to exploit you too with their bogus arguments.

in greediness they will exploit you with false words

These teachers in their greed will tell you anything to get hold of your money.

They give the way of truth a bad name. They’re only out for themselves. They’ll say anything, anything, that sounds good to exploit you.

In their greed they will use good-sounding arguments to exploit you.

In their greed they will exploit you with fabrications

in their greed they will exploit you with false words

In their greed they will exploit you with concocted stories.

Those false teachers only want your money, so they will use you by telling you lies.

in their greed they will exploit you with deceptive words

These teachers are never satisfied. They want to get something out of you. So they make up stories to take advantage of you.

In their greed these teachers will exploit you with fabricated stories.

They will tell lies and false stories so they can use you to get things for themselves.

In their greed they will make up clever lies to get hold of your money.

in their greed they will exploit you with fake prophecies

in their chomed (covetous) greed, they will exploit you with deceptive words

through covetousness they shall, with crafty words, make merchandise of you

These false teachers will follow their greed and exploit you with their fabrications

But who are "they"?

2 Peter 2:1

King James Version

2 But there were false prophets also among the people, 

even as there shall be false teachers among you, 

who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, 

even denying the Lord that bought them, 

and bring upon themselves swift destruction.

How has man responded?

2 Peter 2:2

King James Version

2 And many shall follow their pernicious ways; 

by reason of whom 

the way of truth shall be evil spoken of.

JESUS spoke of these false prophets:

Matthew 7:15-20

King James Version

15 Beware of false prophets, 

which come to you in sheep's clothing, 

but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. 

Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; 

but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, 

neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit 

is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

Related material:

FALSE prophets

Image: Clipart Library

Identifying FALSE prophets

 

1 John 4:1

King James Version

4 Beloved, 

believe not every spirit, 

but try the spirits whether they are of God: 

because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

As we near the end times, there'll be more abominations unto GOD.

One of which are false prophets.

How can we differentiate the true one, from the false one?

Scripture tells us clearly:

Deuteronomy 13:1-3

King James Version

13 If there arise among you a prophet, 

or a dreamer of dreams, 

and giveth thee a sign or a wonder,

2 And the sign or the wonder come to pass, 

whereof he spake unto thee, saying, 

Let us go after other gods, 

which thou hast not known, 

and let us serve them;

3 Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, 

or that dreamer of dreams: 

for the Lord your God proveth you, 

to know whether ye love the Lord your God 

with all your heart and with all your soul.

Deuteronomy 18:22

King James Version

22 When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, 

if the thing follow not, 

nor come to pass, 

that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, 

but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: 

thou shalt not be afraid of him.

Isaiah 8:19

King James Version

19 And when they shall say unto you, 

Seek unto them that have familiar spirits, 

and unto wizards that peep, 

and that mutter: 

should not a people seek unto their God? 

for the living to the dead?

Isaiah 8:20

King James Version

20 To the law and to the testimony: 

if they speak not according to this word, 

it is because there is no light in them.

Isaiah 30:8-11

King James Version

8 Now go, 

write it before them in a table, 

and note it in a book, 

that it may be for the time to come for ever and ever:

9 That this is a rebellious people, 

lying children, 

children that will not hear the law of the Lord:

10 Which say to the seers, 

See not; 

and to the prophets, 

Prophesy not unto us right things, 

speak unto us smooth things, 

prophesy deceits:

11 Get you out of the way, 

turn aside out of the path, 

cause the Holy One of Israel to cease 

from before us.

Jeremiah 5:30-31

King James Version

30 A wonderful and horrible thing 

is committed in the land;

31 The prophets prophesy falsely, 

and the priests bear rule by their means; 

and my people love to have it so: 

and what will ye do in the end thereof?

Jeremiah 14:14

King James Version

14 Then the Lord said unto me, 

The prophets prophesy lies in my name: 

I sent them not, 

neither have I commanded them, 

neither spake unto them: 

they prophesy unto you a false vision and divination, 

and a thing of nought, 

and the deceit of their heart.

Jeremiah 23:13-14

King James Version

13 And I have seen folly in the prophets of Samaria; 

they prophesied in Baal, 

and caused my people Israel to err.

14 I have seen also in the prophets of Jerusalem 

an horrible thing: 

they commit adultery, 

and walk in lies: 

they strengthen also the hands of evildoers, 

that none doth return from his wickedness; 

they are all of them unto me as Sodom, 

and the inhabitants thereof as Gomorrah.

Jeremiah 23:30-32

King James Version

30 Therefore, behold, 

I am against the prophets, 

saith the Lord, 

that steal my words every one from his neighbour.

31 Behold, 

I am against the prophets, 

saith the Lord, 

that use their tongues, 

and say, He saith.

32 Behold, 

I am against them that prophesy false dreams, 

saith the Lord, 

and do tell them, 

and cause my people to err by their lies, 

and by their lightness; 

yet I sent them not, 

nor commanded them: 

therefore they shall not profit this people at all, 

saith the Lord.

Lamentations 2:14

King James Version

14 Thy prophets have seen 

vain and foolish things for thee: 

and they have not discovered thine iniquity, 

to turn away thy captivity; 

but have seen for thee 

false burdens and causes of banishment.

Ezekiel 13:1-7

King James Version

13 And the word of the Lord came unto me, saying,

2 Son of man, 

prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy, 

and say thou unto them 

that prophesy out of their own hearts, 

Hear ye the word of the Lord;

3 Thus saith the Lord God; 

Woe unto the foolish prophets, 

that follow their own spirit, 

and have seen nothing!

4 O Israel, 

thy prophets are like the foxes in the deserts.

5 Ye have not gone up into the gaps, 

neither made up the hedge for the house of Israel 

to stand in the battle in the day of the Lord.

6 They have seen vanity and lying divination, 

saying, 

The Lord saith: and the Lord hath not sent them: 

and they have made others to hope 

that they would confirm the word.

7 Have ye not seen a vain vision,

and have ye not spoken a lying divination, 

whereas ye say, 

The Lord saith it; 

albeit I have not spoken?

Matthew 7:15-20

King James Version

15 Beware of false prophets, 

which come to you in sheep's clothing, 

but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. 

Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; 

but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, 

neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit 

is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

Matthew 7:21-23

King James Version

21 Not every one that saith unto me, 

Lord, Lord, 

shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; 

but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

22 Many will say to me in that day, 

Lord, Lord, 

have we not prophesied in thy name? 

and in thy name have cast out devils? 

and in thy name done many wonderful works?

23 And then will I profess unto them, 

I never knew you: 

depart from me, 

ye that work iniquity.

Mark 13:21-23

King James Version

21 And then if any man shall say to you, 

Lo, here is Christ; 

or, lo, he is there; 

believe him not:

22 For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, 

and shall shew signs and wonders, 

to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect.

23 But take ye heed: 

behold, 

I have foretold you all things.

Romans 16:17-18

King James Version

17 Now I beseech you, brethren, 

mark them which cause divisions and offences 

contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; 

and avoid them.

18 For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, 

but their own belly; 

and by good words and fair speeches 

deceive the hearts of the simple.

2 Corinthians 11:13-15

King James Version

13 For such are false apostles, 

deceitful workers, 

transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ.

14 And no marvel; 

for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.

15 Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also 

be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; 

whose end shall be according to their works.

Galatians 1:6-8

King James Version

6 I marvel that ye are so soon removed from him 

that called you into the grace of Christ 

unto another gospel:

7 Which is not another; 

but there be some that trouble you, 

and would pervert the gospel of Christ.

8 But though we, 

or an angel from heaven, 

preach any other gospel unto you 

than that which we have preached unto you, 

let him be accursed.

1 Timothy 4:1-2

King James Version

4 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, 

that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, 

giving heed to seducing spirits, 

and doctrines of devils;

2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; 

having their conscience seared with a hot iron;

2 Timothy 4:3-4

King James Version

3 For the time will come 

when they will not endure sound doctrine; 

but after their own lusts 

shall they heap to themselves teachers, 

having itching ears;

4 And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, 

and shall be turned unto fables.

2 Peter 2:1-3

King James Version

2 But there were false prophets also among the people, 

even as there shall be false teachers among you, 

who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, 

even denying the Lord that bought them, 

and bring upon themselves swift destruction.

2 And many shall follow their pernicious ways; 

by reason of whom the way of truth 

shall be evil spoken of.

3 And through covetousness shall they with feigned words 

make merchandise of you: 

whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, 

and their damnation slumbereth not.

1 John 4:3

King James Version

3 And every spirit that confesseth not 

that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: 

and this is that spirit of antichrist, 

whereof ye have heard that it should come; 

and even now already is it in the world.

1 John 4:5

King James Version

5 They are of the world: 

therefore speak they of the world, 

and the world heareth them.

1 John 4:6

King James Version

6 We are of God: 

he that knoweth God heareth us; 

he that is not of God heareth not us. 

Hereby know we the spirit of truth, 

and the spirit of error.

Revelation 19:19-20

King James Version

19 And I saw the beast, 

and the kings of the earth, 

and their armies, 

gathered together to make war 

against him that sat on the horse, 

and against his army.

20 And the beast was taken, 

and with him the false prophet 

that wrought miracles before him, 

with which he deceived them 

that had received the mark of the beast, 

and them that worshipped his image. 

These both were cast alive 

into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.

Related material:

TRUE prophets

FALSE prophets

Image: Pixexid